Are you freaking kidding me?!?

A few nights ago I received a spur of the moment invitation to the Oakland A’s versus the New York Yankees.

Ooo, what fun!

Of course my answer was an immediate and emphatic “YES!”

My friend and I arrived early. We sat outside and nursed a couple beers until game time. Well, okay, I nursed my way through two and he actually drank his… In a timely manner no less…

The beer was gone; it was almost game time so we made our way to the stadium entrance and through security. We presented our tickets to be scanned and then we were off to find our seats. It was also “dollar night” at the stadium which meant we decided to each get a “dollar dog” AND a bratwurst. Wow, talk about a lot of food! I almost couldn’t eat breakfast the following morning.

Anyway, our seats were located in the fifth row behind and to the right of home plate. Great location right?

The game had started; the late-comers were trickling in and filling up the remaining empty seats. It was the bottom of the first when an older gentleman and his somewhat younger female counterpart took the two empty chairs in front of and slightly to my left. They both sat down and then, from under his jacket, he whipped out… Binoculars…

Uh huh… Mm hmm… (Minds out of the gutter please!) 😉

Just for the record, I’m talking about BINOCULARS! These weren’t the run-of-the-mill, compact yet powerful ones. These were the humungous, bulky, ancient, and probably the very first pair off the factory assembly-line. This pair is to binoculars what the original cell phones are to today’s cell phones. In other words they are pre-historic dinosaurs…

Dude… The sixties just called… They want their binoculars back!!

Okay, Okay…

So at this point I was sitting there in horrified silence. I was wondering how I was supposed to see around, or better yet, through those monstrosities! I could no longer see home plate. I could no longer see the batters AT the plate and I had just lost sight of a third of the first-base line.

Did I mention he was in the FOURTH row?

Really?!? A person needs binoculars to watch a game from that distance?

The first couple of innings were quiet which meant I was sort of watching the guy, his date, And. His. Binoculars. In my defense I really had no choice with regards to the binoculars. They kept swinging through my line of sight with a timeliness that would have made “Old Faithful” jealous.

I also took this time to make a few scathing comments about the man, the woman, and the binoculars to my companion. Judging by the way the woman kept asking questions while still looking completely mystified when she received the answers I decided they were on a first or second date. The real reason the guy needed binoculars was because he didn’t want to wear glasses… Personally I would have just sucked it up and worn contact lenses…

Of course at this point my sarcastic side reared its ugly head. I started giggling uncontrollably at my thoughts. I leaned over and softly whispered in my friend’s ear…

“If he has to use binoculars from this distance do you think he uses a magnifying glass in the bathroom?”

Returning to the game…

The stadium was packed. The game itself was great, as long as you were a Yankees fan…

Another woman sitting directly to my left was an A’s fan. She wasn’t happy but how upset could she really be? She arrived. She sat down. She then proceeded to discuss someone’s new baby, how great so-and-so looked, someone else’s high school graduation, some trip she went on and in her downtime from talking she texted, facebooked AND played scrabble on her new 4G. I contemplated asking her if she actually knew she was coming to a baseball game or if her husband just showed up at the stadium with her in tow… Something like: Surprise!! Happy Anniversary honey!!

Meanwhile, sometime during the sixth inning, my binocular toting nemesis decided he no longer had any interest in watching the game. From that point forward he proceeded to use those hideous things to scan the stands.

Mm HMMMM!!!

You know, I can sort of accept the fact that this guy felt he needed to bring, and use, his binoculars. Maybe he didn’t understand where his seat was. Maybe he figured since he brought them he should use them. However, when a person repeatedly covers up my view of the ENTIRE baseball field so he can check out people in the stands I kind of have an issue with that.

I successfully made it to the bottom of the eighth before I could take no more!! Those binoculars were moving side to side and up and down faster than a professional dancer performing the “Jump and Jive.” Smoke was beginning to waft from my ears!

I leaned forward and tapped him gently on the shoulder. I explained in a very nice manner (Really! I did!) that I was having difficulty seeing around his binoculars since he was moving them all over to look at the stands.

His immediate response was a dirty look. He kind of shrugged his shoulders and opened his mouth in an attempt to reply but nothing came out. I leaned back in my seat. Frankly I wasn’t interested in what he had to say. I just wanted the madness to end!

Oh my goodness!

He stood up! And then? He did an incredible thing! He moved to the empty seat on the left of his female companion and sat down!!

I heard the “angels in the outfield” singing “Hallelujah!”

His date leaned toward him and with her mystified expression still firmly in place she asked him a question. He answered and at this point she turned in her chair to give me the “look of death” as my friend so succinctly put it.

I knew it was coming. I ignored it, and her, and just kept watching the game. That was all I had wanted to do from the first inning.

The moral of this story?

If you’re sitting in the fourth row ANYWHERE close to home plate you really can leave your binoculars at home… Right next to the antique Alexander Bell telephone…

However, if you really can’t see, at least do the rest of us baseball lovers a favor and bring a more compact pair…

Thank you… 😉